I Bleed Red
How can I express my physical pain and mental trauma from my chronic illness when people can't physically see me 'bleeding?' How can I show the correlations to the physical and mental parts of chronic illnesses due to suffering from a undiagnosed conditions? Chronic illness can make you feel psychotic and alienated. Showing my daily struggles and journey through diagnoses is very important. So many people are unaware of the torment and time it takes to diagnosis chronic illnesses. So much misinformation or lack of knowledge leads to patients looking in circles. I want this portfolio to highlight my mental and physical journey from struggling living with an undiagnosed illness, to finding the help I need. As my chronic symptoms changes and evolves it gives light to new discoveries. Each day is a journey, and we don't have all the answers right now, so I document this through my art. This is how I cope and express my trauma as I am adjusting to a changed life. This portfolio reminds me that life can still be beautiful with a chronic illness, and I hope I can encourage people who suffer undiagnosed. So much is being discovered about medical conditions and you are not crazy to seek medical help. I am still on my medical journey, and I hope this portfolio informs others of life chronically ill and encourages other suffers to keep searching and find community. Just because you don't see me bleeding out, doesn't mean I don't suffer every day. This is to remind everyone that my blood is as red as your open wounds.
I Don't Like Green Eggs
Dimensions: 12in x 12in
Materials: Acrylic Paint, book pages on canvas
Process: Collaged torn pages from Dr. Suess Green Eggs and Ham book. Painted plate and egg with acrylic paints.
Description:
Many people struggle with their relationship with food. Whether dealing with being a picky eater or eating disorders, I think back to the Dr. Seuss book I read as a kid. I struggle daily with my mysterious stomach pain and nausea. The pain has made me despise food and nauseated at the looks like it has transformed into this unnatural foreign object. I show this by referencing the unpleasant green egg. I wanted to show my tuggowar with food as it is needed for fuel but has caused so much unresolved pain in my life. I found this complex struggle easily related to something unexpected like a children's book. Funny that once I am grown up, I find myself searching for answers to my health problems in my childhood.
Hidden in the Pages
Dimensions: 12in x 12in x 1in
Materials: Acrylic Paint, coffee grinds, printed paper, paper shredder on wood board
Process: Wrote my feelings: physical and mental on word document. Printed word documents with different font sizes then gave the pages a wash of water and coffee grinds. Took stained paper and shredded it. Painted with acrylics a pained expression on wood board. Painted background black and collaged shredded paper over top to reveal face. Finally, painted sides with red acrylic paint.
Description:
This piece is me working on ways to grieve that resonate with me. I find through art it’s a more tangible result of processing what’s going on in my life. I wrote some phrases and words that I struggle with mentally and physically and put these pages through the shredder. This shows how I feel suffocated by the weight of my thoughts and pain. I placed the scraps to appear they are burying someone alive. I don’t share everything I’m going through every day and keep a lot of my pain inside my head as there is nothing, I can do to solve these issues at the moment. This year I find to be tough mentally for me to accept some changes with my health and making lifestyle changes doctors ask me to do as it changes my experience being in college. Others' "best years of [their] life" is my worst. So, I try to accept and mourn a lot that has challenged me this year through my art. Even when I feel it’s unfair for me to have to live in these thoughts, I want myself to feel less suffocated by them and enjoy how great my life can be.
High Emotions
Dimensions: 12in x 12in x 1in
Materials: Acrylic Paint (sides), color pencil (front) on wood board
Process: Photographed myself at my happiest and hardest times. Captures my mental and physical feelings through color choices. Drew sketch of pictures and filled in with color pencil. Painted the sides with red acrylic paint and details on face with black acrylic.
Description:
The duality and curse of one of my syndromes is how my emotions and my Vagus Nerve affects my condition. Extreme emotion, joy, or anticipation can cause this physical cyclic reaction. What should be my happiest moments is followed by a night of torture. This is an endless cycle following the pattern of twos. I show my inability to experience fun and joy like other college students through theses drawings. My emotions are just as much a factor into my physical health as my diet or my environment. This has drove me crazy trying to explain my condition to other who can't relate to such an uncommon syndrome. Doctors write you off as crazy due to lack of knowledge and research. Joy is just as much as a trigger as stress or anxiety which many people are uneducated about the effects on a damaged Vagus Nerve. There is such a bigger picture to chronic migraines than public knowledge. Also, there is lots of misconceptions on the variety of headaches and migraine symptoms. I show this Cyclic condition in two drawings because of my torcher by the number two. There are always two sides to every story, and how people see me during the day is nothing compared to my bad nights.
Perspective
Dimensions: 10in x 10in x 1in
Materials: Acrylic Paint on wood board
Process: Photographed arranged fruits. Sketched photograph onto wood board with exaggerated shadows. Painted with acrylics.
Description:
Such simple household objects can be used to convey the idea that what we see isn't always the full story. The symbol of the smiling and frowning face is blasted everywhere and is recognizable at any age. I wanted to show how life with a chronic illness can be like an act every day. Many of my teachers and friends see a version of myself that is a front to all my chronic pain. Many people just look at me from one perspective but if they or I would change my view much more could be seen. This refers back to the idea that my illness is not as noticeable upon meeting me. I try every day to continue that smile, but this piece is the part of myself I keep. Sometimes you have to look at people in another perspective to see what's hidden in their shadows.
Guts in the Brain
Dimensions: 18in x 24in
Materials: Acrylic Paint, paper, color pencil, string, fabric glue, sponges, and watercolor on chip board
Process: Photographed myself. Used string and fabric glue to outlive curves of face on plexiglass. Peeled glued string off plexiglass. Ripped strips of paper and glued the strips overlayed one and other on chip board. Using a mix of color pencil and acrylic paint with brushes and sponges to create shapes in open space. Then I glued the peeled string onto the covered chip board. Used acrylic paint for eyes and dyed string with watercolor. Finally, glued hanging strings onto face.
Description:
This piece is a reflection of the connection of the brain to the stomach. I've struggled with gut health and find this fear of pain and nausea has connections to my thoughts. I wanted to express how mental fears, and physical illness can cause anxiety in the form of physical illness. They are a deadly combination which have consumed most of my year. This battle between what is real and what your brain creates causes endless pain. I coiled string dyed with gouache paint to create a mask resembling my face. My anxiety masks who I used to be and who I really am. The swirls at the top of the piece juxtapose the quiet background. I represented how my calm and organized composure contradicts the feelings in my running brain. Many people struggle behind this mask so, our friends might be unaware. This piece is a reflection of how chronic illness can be amplified with mental health issues.
Nature's Freckles
Dimensions: 36in x 48in x 1in
Materials: Acrylic Paint and Modeling Paste on canvas
Process: Photographed strawberries, blackberries and ladybug. Gave painting blue tint underpainting and sketched photograph. Mixed modeling paste with paint to create volume to brushstrokes and shapes. Painted photograph and added ladybug.
Description:
This piece was a turning point into what I like to call "happy art." I focused on quick intuitive painting, large painting, and happy painting. Spending theses hours remembering how grateful I am for everyone that has help me this past year. I choose strawberries and the ladybug because I see myself in these objects in nature. When I was extremely sick, undiagnosed, and wanted to drop out of college, I remember that almost every day a ladybug would land on me as I walked on campus. Each time they brought me a minute of joy and hope that I wanted to share through this painting. I have been drawn to ladybugs and strawberries since I see myself reflected in their spots like my freckles. These little reminders and omens keep my mind at peace in the chaos.
Thank You!
Completed: (Sophomore/Junior Year of College - 19/20 years old) (Self-Guided)
